oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
If I die, sorry about rent.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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