For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
