So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
