She bit a glass in half.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
