If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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