I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
