I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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