Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
