i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
