His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
