My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
