she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
