Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Randomize
