oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
