You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
her vagine was all disorganized.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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