ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I lost the right to judge tonight
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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