god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
