I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
