She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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