I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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