I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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