seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So gin and wine won't be happening again
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Randomize
