Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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