just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you