I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
