....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
