you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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