just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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