I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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