i don't like sucking hair
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
there is another microwave in the elevator.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
