I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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