Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
