guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
