During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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