Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
