Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
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Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
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Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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