If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
