i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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