you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
