Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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