My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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