did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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