why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
