Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
