Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
