i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
