Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
