I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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