you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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