i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
