How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
