tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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