Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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