Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
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i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
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You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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