My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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