how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
