hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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